Here is my revelation: I look a whole lot different in my mind's eye than I do in a photograph. I decided that it was time for a new face shot to use with my articles. So I made an appointment with a photographer since the photo I have been using is 4 years old. I fixed my hair, did my make-up, chose what I thought was a flattering top and went to my, "photo shoot." When I arrived the photographer had me sit on a little stool turning slightly sideways so that as he put it, "I would look thinner."
Thinner??? I thought I was thin. That didn't do much for my ego. He started to shoot and I tried to smile. He had me take a look at the first 10- 15 poses and I almost had a heart attack. My hair was all wrong (hair helmet) my left eye looked droopy and my nose...It was so wide! I never knew my nose was so broad! I also had chipmunk cheeks. These photos looked nothing like me. The photographer discussed my short comings in a clinical manner as if he were talking about someone else. He could photo shop the tiny crinkles. He knew that there was a way to make my droopy eye less droopy. Oh and by the way; I looked fat in every photo.
I know that I am prone to exaggeration, but not this time. So, who was this woman? I think I came face to face with the Aging Me. I left the studio feeling sad and a bit dejected. I looked every bit as old as the numbers say. Somehow I had convinced myself that I did not look my age. I also believed that I was better looking than I truly am.
It has been two days since the" incident." I realize that I need to come to terms with who I really am, not whom I thought I was. I know I am so much more than a face and a body. That is not what I mean here. However, our outward appearance is a big part of who we are. I do not believe for a minute that, "beauty is skin deep." Ask anyone who has had their feeling hurt or who have changed how they deal with the world because they were made to feel inferior due to their appearance. When I left that studio I felt I had aged ten years.
There is such a thing as aging gracefully and I admire people who do. Helen Miren, for example is absolutely breath taking. She does not try to erase her life from her face and she looks stunning with her silver white hair. I am sorry to say that is not me and that makes me even sadder; I wish that it were.
Growing old does not mean you have to become feeble and ugly. Older people can keep their fitness and poise with a whole lot of exercise and ugly is really how you present yourself. If you feel ugly you will probably exude that belief. None of this is helping me accept my reality, by the way.
There is the prevailing opinion that to be young, or should I say look young makes one a part of the social experience. What I mean by this is fashion, beauty and vitality are all portrayed by younger people. When was the last time you saw a 60 year old beautiful woman in a fashion magazine, yet there are beautiful older women out there but either no one wants to see them or they have all retired. We really have few examples to emulate.
Just try to do a google search on hairstyles for women over 50 or appropriate style selections;
If you come up with anything it will be short hair cuts and highly stylized expensive clothing. Are you not supposed to wear jeans and a T shirt after 50?
Once again it all comes down to trying to figure out where I fit in at this stage of my life. There will be some who would say get over it and go on; looks are not everything. I am sorry, I am having a little trouble going from pretty to being a sage old soul. There has seemed to be no transition to me.
There is also no real help out there. I need a guide in making this life change. I need someone to tell me what hair style I should wear and where exactly to find clothes that make me look good but not feel old. Inside of me there is a 30 year old woman with energy and life. This is the woman I want to be. I just need to find a way for my inside to make peace with my outside.
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